if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
