i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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