im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
