I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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