just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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