A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
