Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize