I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
