I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
