I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
