There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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