I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
