Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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