paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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