Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
