she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
