My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
