im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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