Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
