6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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