tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
