Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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