I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Everclear isn't food dammit
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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