once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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