the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
