Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
