Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize