we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
a search helicopter?!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize