Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
