She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
