Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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