go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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