As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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