everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
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