i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
