11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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