why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
