The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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