I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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