I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
