Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
