Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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