After last night, I could never be a politician.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
