I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
