I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
