the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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