So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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