its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
