my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
