I am puke
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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