You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
