My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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