So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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