shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
