Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
