I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
