I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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