He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
