Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
