so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
