Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
