i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
